Timmersomethings Blog Of Random Stuff

These two guys go to a whorehouse. The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better." The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better." I've been married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot, 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed... Got this text from my brother recently. It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicke...

The trouble with finding your perfect soul mate is that she would probably want to get married, then four weeks after the wedding you would meet another perfect soul mate, with bigger tits. An older couple decided to get married. She said: I want to keep my house. He said: That's fine with me. She said: I want to keep my Cadillac. He said: That's fine with me. She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week. He said: Put me down for Fridays. Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband. A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he...

"The city of Anchorage, Alaska, has voted down a bathroom bill that discriminates against transgendered people. Residents said, 'You know, it's so cold here in Alaska we can't tell what genitals you have anyway.'" -Conan O'Brien I was talking to a friend of mine, and he told me that he's been married a little over four years. He told me he was celebrating his 'Wooden' anniversary. I asked what a 'wooden' anniversary was. He said, "I asked her to give me a blow job and she wooden." "A former Playboy bunny just became the oldest lingerie model at 83 years old. When asked why she went back to work, she said, 'My Trump hush money ran out.'" -Jimmy Fallon The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. "What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email t...

"A man has been sentenced to five years in jail for trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants. The man has already told his cellmate, 'There's nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven't.'" -Conan O'Brien A woman tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk explains that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'. Suddenly, the lady starts screaming! "Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!" The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager. The manager goes to the lady and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the lady starts yelling, Pinch My Nipples! Please, pinch My Nipples!" By now a crowd has gathered! In shock, the manager pleads, "Ma'am, why do you keep saying t...

"Ireland will be opening its first nude beach this April. And in May, Ireland will be closing its first nude beach." -Conan O'Brien A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "What? Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun." "Today the Yankees had to postpone their home opener because of a snowstorm. You can tell it was cold because the foot-long hot dogs were only five inches." -Jimmy Fallon Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future." Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend." "That's true," said Paul. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren...

"In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for your liver. I'm sorry, did I say 'scientists'? I meant Irish people." --Tina Fey Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fi...

How do you get your husband interested in oral sex? Douche with beer. What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South? A homo-sex-y'all. What's the most active muscle in a woman? The penis. How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex? She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns. How do you get a woman off during sex? Push her. Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says. "I just love the way they bounce." The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass. I love the way it jiggles." He asks the third guy, "What about you?" "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head." [I know this is an old one, but this joke cracks me up...] A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man holding a 5-iron in his hands, standing over the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" ...

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: I'm on the toilet. Please advise. (Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?)

A pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.

"A new study found that dogs are smarter than cats because their friendliness has helped them develop bigger brains. Cat people would complain about the findings, but that would involve interacting with other humans." -Jimmy Fallon I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent another $2,000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon. Then I spend $50 on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking mental. Women! "Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill." -Henry Louis Mencken. Our friends, James and Florence, attend choir practice Wednesday evenings, a...

Don't care who you are, this is funny... A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcingFREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man. "Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?" he asked. "Kittens," little Suzy said. "How old are they?" asked Obama. Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet." "And what kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile. Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the g...

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, take a look at this" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $30,000 a year and you make a million when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

A woman calls her lawyer and asks... "With all the lawsuits going on, I want to get in on some of that action. I hear people are suing cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are suing McDonalds because they got fat." "And which one of those categories do you fit under?" "Neither," says the women. "I just want to know if I can sue Budweiser for all the ugly men I've slept with."

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant." He asked, "How did this happen, my child?" She said, "I think it must be the second coming." The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?" "Because," she replied, "I swallowed the first one."

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man, oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin." The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity." Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?" "Oh, God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting." A salesman went to the door of a young couple one day and rang the doorbell. After 3 rings and no answer, he assumed no one was home and decide to leave. He happened to pass by an open window and saw the couple naked on the sofa. Being a pervert, he peered closer to get a better look. He notice the woman was sitting with her legs wide open, shaving her pubic area while staring at he...

On the first day of the school term the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather proper-looking young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Emily and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class. The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class. Emily assured him that she was. The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?" "What exactly do you mean?" Emily asked. "Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the teacher expounded. After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted, "I can't really say, since I've never been 'bolted'."

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want." "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. "HELL NO," he cries,...

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" She frowned and said, "The postman. He always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box." What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant. A young man moved out from home and into his first apartment. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a con...

In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the answer is Africa. The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. Therefore, what we do is put the prisoner in the prison. Then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to reimprison him. "After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out agai...

YOU GOTTA LOVE GARFIELD 'S EXPLANATION -- TOO CUTE & ALSO TOO TRUE!!! A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is located in: Alaska ~~~ California ~~~ Coastal Florida ~~~ Coastal Louisiana ~~~ Coastal Alabama ~~~ Coastal Mississippi ~~~ Coastal Texas ~~~ North Dakota ~~~ Wyoming ~~~ Colorado ~~~ Kansas ~~~ Oklahoma ~~~ Pennsylvania ~~~ and Texas ~~~ Our dipsticks are located in DC. Any questions? NO? Didn't think so.