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Showing posts from August, 2010

SPEEDING IN OREGON

GOOD A Bend, Oregon policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pendleton , Oregon . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, " Oregon State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment…

A Father's Thoughts

One night a wife found her husband standing over their
newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood
looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a
mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement,
enchantment, skepticism.



Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it
aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her
husband.



"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.



"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody
can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"

A Dollar Per Point

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.



The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out.



The student who had attached the $100 bill to his test, received back his test score and $64 change.

A Dog Named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.



When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, I'd like one too!



I said, But this is a dog.. He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, You don't understand. I've had Sex, since I was 9 years old. He winked and said You must have been quite a kid.



When I married and went on my honeymoon. I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.



He said, You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do.



One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there,
looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me ! I should have sold my own t…

A Common Change?

A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.

The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."

A Bunch Of Flowers

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the
street vendor.



"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.



"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."



"I don't have a sweetheart, either."



"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

A Blonde's Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."

A Bad Business

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.



When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."



A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with mo…

A $1 Million Last Wish...

An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice: a doctor, a priest, and an attorney. "I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million in it. At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world." The three agreed.



A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket.



Afterwards, the three were talking, and the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My CAT scan machine broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000 ou…

Stethiscope

My Mix Blog F Pt. 1

{001. }MP3{Facade}{Disturbed}

{002. }WMA{Face Facts}{Kottonmouth Kings}

{003. }WMA{Face Of Christ}{Chris Rice}

{004. }MP3{Face Puller}{Front Line Assembly}

{005. }MP3{Faceless}{Godsmack}

{006. }WMA{Faceless Man}{Creed}

{007. }MP3{Faceless Unknown}{Cryptopsy}

{008. }MP3{Fack}{Eminem}

{009. }MP3{Fade Away}{12 Stones}

{010. }MP3{Fade Away}{Diecast}

{011. }WMA{Fade To Black (Live Metallica Cover)}{Disturbed}

{012. }MP3{Fadeaway}{Celldweller}

{013. }MP3{Faget}{KORN}

{014. }WMA{Fahrenheit 813 (Feat. DutchMassive & Majik Most)}{Celph Titled}

{015. }MP3{Failed Creation}{Divine Heresy}

{016. }MP3{Faith Don't Fail}{Joy Whitlock}

{017. }MP3{Faith Don't Fail (Acoustic)}{Joy Whitlock}

{018. }MP3{Faithless}{Fear Factory}

{019. }MP3{Fake}{KORN}

{020. }MP3{Fall}{American Head Charge}

{021. }WMA{Fall In Love}{Kenny Chesney}

{022. }WMA{Fallen}{(hed)P.E.}

{023. }WMA{Fallen}{Ill Nino}

{024. }MP3{Falling}{Biohazard}

{025. }MP3{Falling Away}{Dope}

{026. }MP3{Falling Away From Me}{KORN}


{027. }WMA{Falling Away From Me (D…

Eagles

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Not only great pictures but a great story. This is ONE Lucky Guy with a good camera. This is awesome - read under each picture!

The fellow sitting on the tailgate of his pickup truck never realized the show he was missing.

The little duck watches as the Eagle speeds straight at him at about 40 mph.


With perfect timing, the duck always dove and escaped with a mighty splash! Then he'd pop to the surface as soon as the Eagle flew past. This was repeated over and over for several minutes. I worried the poor duck would tire and that would be the end of him.

A second Eagle joins the attack! The duck kept diving
"just in time", so the Eagles began to dive into the water after him!

After several minutes the Eagles got frustrated and began to attack each other. They soon began to dive vertically, level out, and attack head-on in a good old-fashioned game of high-speed "Chicken". Sometimes they banked away from each other at the last possible second. Other times they'd cli…

May I Help You?

All my husband wanted was to pay for some batteries, but none of the clerks in the electronics store seemed interested in helping him. "I've got an idea," I said, and pulled a tape measure out of my purse. I stepped over to one of the giant plasma-screen TVs and started to measure it. Faster than you can say high definition, a young man came running over. "May I help you?" he asked breathlessly. "Yes," I said. "I'd like to buy these batteries."

Airport Security

What a great idea. Why didn't anyone think of this???

The Russians are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

They see this as a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminates the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!

This is so simple...that it's brilliant.

I can see it now. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,

"Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight number _____".

Where'd THAT come from?

And why is that? Cool things to know.

1. Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?

A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

2. Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?

A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

3. Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?

A: When buttons were invented, they were very …

It Does Matter

The Fundamental Transformation of America in a Very Short Period of Months.

When Obama wrote a book and said he was mentored as a youth by Frank Marshall Davis an avowed Communist, people said it didn't matter.

When it was discovered that his grandparents, were strong socialists who sent Obama's mother to a socialist school where she was introduced to Frank Marshall Davis. He was later introduced to young Barrack Hussein Obama People said it didn't matter.

When people found out that Barrack Hussein Obama was enrolled as a Muslim child in school and his father and stepfather were both Muslims, people said it didn't matter.

When he wrote in another book he authored "I will stand with them (Muslims) should the political winds shift in an ugly direction" people said it didn't matter.

When he admittedly, in his book, said he chose Marxist friends and professors in college people said it didn't matter.

When he traveled to Pakistan, after college on an unknown nat…

What Do You Think Will Happen?

GERMAN FLOAT

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This float was in a parade in Berlin. You've got to LOVE those Germans; they have a GREAT sense of humor!

Is that Hillary? What is she hanging on to? Answer: His stimulus package.

Quotes: "A girl phoned me the other day..."

*---- Quotes For The Week ----*
A girl phoned me the other day and said...Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

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I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

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**--- MYSTERY QUOTE ---**
Please excuse the length of this letter, I did not have time to write a shorter one. See at the bottom for the answer

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*---- More Quotes for the Week ----*
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

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I come from a very stupid family. During the Civil War, …

Ain't Gonna Happen

I recently applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100’ tall & 400’ wide w/9 gun turrets at various heights, windows all over the place, & a loud outside entertainment sound system.

It would have parking for 200 cars, & I was going to paint it green w/pink & gold trim.

The City Council told me to forget it … AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!!!

So I sent the application in again, but this time I called it a Mosque.
Work starts on Monday.

Kitty City

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Man Built a Sanctuary for Homeless Cats (a few too many!!!!)


Craig Grant bought a tree farm far away from the city and turned it into a sanctuary for all the cats he has rescued. He lives there with the cats and provides lots of love, care and companionship. It’s hard to imagine that once he was not a cat lover and did not want cats until he met his son’s cat Pepper. He also got to experience what it is like raising a litter of kittens. “Over that time I learned that every cat had its own unique personality and it wasn’t long before the kittens were swinging from my curtains. I didn’t care. Something had changed… I didn’t want to give them up.” The condo life was not easy for the kitties, so Craig found a tree farm and settled down there for his fur babies. Over the next several months, he rescued more and more homeless and abandoned cats. The number of new residents kept going up, so Craig expanded the sanctuary to make more room for the animals.


The farm was named Caboodle Ranch and i…

Quotes: "I believe our flag is..."

"I believe our flag is more than just cloth and ink. It is a universally recognized symbol that stands for liberty, and freedom. It is the history of our nation, and it's marked by the blood of those who died defending it." - John Thune

HARK!!! A New Blond Joke

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blond declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blond headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, with shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and preceded to haul it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby there were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled with all the strength she could muster to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her eyes heaven…

The Old Cowboy Goes To Church

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One Sunday morning, an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn-out old hat and an equally worn, dog-eared Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and fine jewelry. As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled by his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship in church." The old cowboy assured the preacher …

Quotes: "A quiet conscience sleeps in thunder."

*---- Quotes For The Week ----*
To treat your facts with imagination is one thing, but to imagine your facts is another.--John Burroughs

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The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.-- Nikola Tesla

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I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.--G.K. Chesterton

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**--- MYSTERY QUOTE ---**
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. [BTW, I am not a Democrat either!] See at the bottom for the answer

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*---- More Quotes for the Week ----*
In business, I've discovered that my purpose is to do my best to my utmost ability every d…

PRAY FOR AMERICA

THIS IS very appropriate, especially in light of events on Friday, the 13th of August, when the president of the US, offered us his true endorsement of Islam. If this doesn't move you, don't bother sending it on to others...When the screen fills up with words, the words tumble to the bottom and new words start up again at the top of the screen. Very nice!CLICK HERE

The Morning Pee

Why Michelle came home

Sheppard Smith, Fox News. "If you check President Obama's last trip over-seas, his wife left just after their visit to France. She has yet to accompany him to any Arab country. Think about it. Why is Michelle returning to the states when 'official' trips to foreign countries generally include the First Lady."

While in a Blockbuster renting videos I came across a video called "Obama". There were two men standing next to me and we talked about President Obama. These guys were Arabs, so I asked them why they thought Michele Obama headed home following the President's recent visit to France instead of traveling on to Saudi Arabia and Turkey with her husband. They told me she could not go to Saudi Arabia, Turkey or Iraq. I said "Why not,(?) Laura Bush went to Saudi Arabia, Turkey and Dubai ." They said that Obama is a Muslim and therefore he is not allowed to bring his wife into countries that adhere to Sharia Law.

I thought it interesting that …

Go Arizona!!

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The Wife from Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.' The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.That's an automatic $75 fine.…

My Mix Blog E Pt. 3

{101. Evil Minds}{Hatebreed}

{102. Evilized}{Dream Evil}

{103. Evolution}{KORN}

{104. Excuse Me Miss}{Jay-Z}

{105. Exploder}{Audioslave}

{106. Extra Thug Sauce (Feat. Guttamouf & Majik Most)}{Celph Titled}


{107. Extra Thug Sauce (J-Zone Remix)}{Celph Titled}

{108. Extracting My Revenge}{Diecast}

{109. Eye For An Eye (Live)}{Ill Nino}

{110. Eye Of The Storm}{Kottonmouth Kings}

{111. Eyes Of A Criminal}{Chimaira}

{112. Eyes Of A Criminal (Live)}{Chimaira}

My Mix Blog E Pt. 2

{051. Enemy}{Drowning Pool}

{052. Enemy (Live)}{Drowning Pool}

{053. Enemy}{Fozzy}

{054. The Enemy}{Godsmack}

{055. Enemy Number One}{Front Line Assembly}

{056. Enough}{Barlowgirl}

{057. Enough}{Disturbed}

{058. Enough (Al Jourgensen Remix)}{Gravity Kills}

{059. Enough (Critter's Carnal Remix)}{Gravity Kills}

{060. Enough (Extrinsic Remix)}{Gravity Kills}

{061. Enough (Martin Atkins White Light Remix)}{Gravity Kills}

{062. Enough (P.M. Dawn Expanse Remix)}{Gravity Kills}

{063. Enough To Let Me Go}{Switchfoot}

{064. Enslaved}{Biohazard}

{065. Enter The Cage}{Adema}

{066. Eqivalent Equilibrium}{Cryptopsy}

{067. Eric's Song}{12 Stones}

{068. Erratic}{American Head Charge}

{069. Escape}{Airbase}

{070. Escape}{Hatebreed}

{071. Estoy Perdido}{Ill Nino}

{072. Estranged}{Guns N' Roses}

{073. Eternal Rest}{Avenged Sevenfold}

{074. Ever After}{Aaron Shust}

{075. Ever Be}{KORN}

{076. Every Man}{Casting Crowns}


{077. Every Mile A Memory}{Dierks Bentley}

{078. Every Planet We Reach Is Dead}{Gorillaz}

{079. Every …

Comforting Chatter from the Flight Deck

MY KIND OF PILOT HERE!!!! I HOPE TO GET ON HIS PLANE THE NEXT TIME I FLY!!!!!

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, To be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying A vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take A couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate The very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners..." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't Got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the Door and pushed it wide open... "Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her Hallway carpet.

"Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this Horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat The remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."…