Jokes 06/02/2018

"A man has been sentenced to five years in jail for trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants. The man has already told his cellmate, 'There's nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven't.'" -Conan O'Brien
A woman tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk explains that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.
Suddenly, the lady starts screaming! "Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!"
The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager. The manager goes to the lady and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the lady starts yelling, Pinch My Nipples! Please, pinch My Nipples!"
By now a crowd has gathered! In shock, the manager pleads, "Ma'am, why do you keep saying that?
In a huff, the woman says, "Because, I like to have my nipples pinched when I'm getting screwed!"
"The new season of 'The Bachelorette' begins on Monday. Where the bachelorette must choose between 28 strains of HPV." -Seth Meyers
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty-four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"
Again, there is a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!

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