Timmersomethings Blog Of Random Stuff

"The city of Anchorage, Alaska, has voted down a bathroom bill that discriminates against transgendered people. Residents said, 'You know, it's so cold here in Alaska we can't tell what genitals you have anyway.'" -Conan O'Brien I was talking to a friend of mine, and he told me that he's been married a little over four years. He told me he was celebrating his 'Wooden' anniversary. I asked what a 'wooden' anniversary was. He said, "I asked her to give me a blow job and she wooden." "A former Playboy bunny just became the oldest lingerie model at 83 years old. When asked why she went back to work, she said, 'My Trump hush money ran out.'" -Jimmy Fallon The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. "What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email t...

"A man has been sentenced to five years in jail for trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants. The man has already told his cellmate, 'There's nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven't.'" -Conan O'Brien A woman tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk explains that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'. Suddenly, the lady starts screaming! "Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!" The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager. The manager goes to the lady and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the lady starts yelling, Pinch My Nipples! Please, pinch My Nipples!" By now a crowd has gathered! In shock, the manager pleads, "Ma'am, why do you keep saying t...

"Ireland will be opening its first nude beach this April. And in May, Ireland will be closing its first nude beach." -Conan O'Brien A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "What? Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun." "Today the Yankees had to postpone their home opener because of a snowstorm. You can tell it was cold because the foot-long hot dogs were only five inches." -Jimmy Fallon Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future." Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend." "That's true," said Paul. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren...

Today is tomorrow's yesterday, yesterday's tomorrow, and another excuse to drink a beer.

"In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for your liver. I'm sorry, did I say 'scientists'? I meant Irish people." --Tina Fey Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fi...

How do you get your husband interested in oral sex? Douche with beer. What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South? A homo-sex-y'all. What's the most active muscle in a woman? The penis. How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex? She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns. How do you get a woman off during sex? Push her. Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says. "I just love the way they bounce." The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass. I love the way it jiggles." He asks the third guy, "What about you?" "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head." [I know this is an old one, but this joke cracks me up...] A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man holding a 5-iron in his hands, standing over the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" ...

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: I'm on the toilet. Please advise. (Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?)

A pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.

"A new study found that dogs are smarter than cats because their friendliness has helped them develop bigger brains. Cat people would complain about the findings, but that would involve interacting with other humans." -Jimmy Fallon I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent another $2,000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon. Then I spend $50 on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking mental. Women! "Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill." -Henry Louis Mencken. Our friends, James and Florence, attend choir practice Wednesday evenings, a...

Don't care who you are, this is funny... A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcingFREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man. "Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?" he asked. "Kittens," little Suzy said. "How old are they?" asked Obama. Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet." "And what kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile. Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the g...

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, take a look at this" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $30,000 a year and you make a million when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

A woman calls her lawyer and asks... "With all the lawsuits going on, I want to get in on some of that action. I hear people are suing cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are suing McDonalds because they got fat." "And which one of those categories do you fit under?" "Neither," says the women. "I just want to know if I can sue Budweiser for all the ugly men I've slept with."

Last night i was parked in my trailer watching the movie 2012 (mainly cause i was bored) and a horrifying thought crept into my mind. Assuming of course that the mayans weren't so phenomonally full of shit that they could fretalize all of wine country and still have leftovers, let's say that December 21st is in fact the end of the world as we know it. Holy disenfrachised voters Batman. No matter whether Romny wins or Obama squeeks by for a second term, he's still going to be the last president of this great country. Now i didn't vote for his sorry ass back in 2008 but if i did and 12/21/12 truly is game over planet Earth, i'm probably thinking "I want my vote back. I didn't mean to vote for that jack-ass Obama". Oh well i could just be delusional. Wouldn't be the first time for that. Until next time true believers, Stay Frosty and i'll see ya in the funny papers.

George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.' The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir?' Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

YOU GOTTA LOVE GARFIELD 'S EXPLANATION -- TOO CUTE & ALSO TOO TRUE!!! A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is located in: Alaska ~~~ California ~~~ Coastal Florida ~~~ Coastal Louisiana ~~~ Coastal Alabama ~~~ Coastal Mississippi ~~~ Coastal Texas ~~~ North Dakota ~~~ Wyoming ~~~ Colorado ~~~ Kansas ~~~ Oklahoma ~~~ Pennsylvania ~~~ and Texas ~~~ Our dipsticks are located in DC. Any questions? NO? Didn't think so.

Many of us 'Old Folks' (over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image. Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedo's and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Miniskirts and varicose veins And, Most importantly. At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts. Shut up! You know it's funny. Now send it on to someone else and make them smile...

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.' Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.' St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?' Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the...

Children Are Quick TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong. GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ________________...

1.)Sag, You're it 2.)Pin the Toupee on the bald guy 3.)20 questions shouted into your good ear 4.)Kick the bucket 5.)Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over 6.)Doc Goose 7.)Simon says something incoherent 8.)Hide and go pee 9.)Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 10.)Musical recliners

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Senators and Congressmen. It will be named the Congressman. It doesn't work and you can't fire it.