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Showing posts from January, 2011

PHONE ON THE WALL. HELLO

When I was a young boy, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood.. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it. Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time. My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragge…

2011 New Prayer

Dear God,
All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body… please don’t mix these up like you did last year. Amen.

Questions

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

01. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

02. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way.

03. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psychopath.

04. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out of It.

05. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

06. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids.

07. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.

08. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

09. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Righ…

U.S. Postal Tip.

Payback is fun!!!!!!!!!!!!! WRITE IT ON THE BACK OF YOUR ENVELOPES or front. WE THINK THIS IS A GREAT IDEA. WE'LL START WRITING IT ON THE FRONT OF OUR ENVELOPES, TOO! Including Bills. You may have heard in the news that a couple of Post Offices in Texas have been forced to take down small posters that say 'IN GOD WE TRUST,' The law, they say, is being violated. Anyway, we heard proposed on a radio station show, that we should all write 'IN GOD WE TRUST' on the back of all our mail.

After all, that's our National Motto, and all the money we use to buy stamps. We think it's a wonderful idea. We must take back our nation from all the people who think that anything that offends them should be removed. If you like this idea, please pass it on and DO IT. The idea of writing or stamping 'IN GOD WE TRUST ' on our envelopes sounds good to us SOME PEOPLE ARE HAVING A STAMP MADE TOO. lets use it as our signature on e-mails, too!

It's been reported that 86% o…

"How To Stop Church Gossip"

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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home .... .and left it there all night. (You gotta love Frank!)

Birth of a Candy Bar.

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THE BABY RUTH TRUTH!

This is too funny!! Who the heck had that much time on their hands to figure how to do this?

I Found Your Cat.

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Why Can't Mormons Send Flowers?

Airport Safety Update.

Year to date statistics on airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security:

Terrorist Plots Discovered: 0

Transvestites: 133

Hernias: 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases: 3,172

Enlarged Prostates: 8,249

Breast Implants: 59,350

Natural Blondes: 3

There now don't you feel safer about flying? I know i do. LOL.

A Little Known Tidbit Of Naval History.

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The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers). However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum ." Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping." Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November.. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November, she set sail for England . In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant…