Jokes 07/17/10
"A new $65 tour called the 'L.A. Gang Tour' is being offered in Los Angeles that takes tourists through L.A.'s most dangerous neighborhoods. The gang tour is also known by its other name, 'A cab ride from the airport.'" -Conan O'Brien
Being married or single is a choice we all have to make.
It's not a great choice....it's sort of like when the the doctor says "Ointment or suppositories?"
"I read that stray dogs in Moscow have figured out how to use the subway. Crazy right? At least in New York, it only smells like dogs have figured out how to use the subway." -Jimmy Fallon
BACHELOR: A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
COMPROMISE: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
DIPLOMAT: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.
GENTLEMAN: A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
HOUSEWORK: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.
HUSBAND: A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT: A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.
LOVE: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
MRS.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
SPOUSE: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
WIFE: A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.
Being married or single is a choice we all have to make.
It's not a great choice....it's sort of like when the the doctor says "Ointment or suppositories?"
"I read that stray dogs in Moscow have figured out how to use the subway. Crazy right? At least in New York, it only smells like dogs have figured out how to use the subway." -Jimmy Fallon
"Marriage Definitions"
BACHELOR: A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
COMPROMISE: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
DIPLOMAT: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.
GENTLEMAN: A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
HOUSEWORK: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.
HUSBAND: A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT: A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.
LOVE: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
MRS.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
SPOUSE: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
WIFE: A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.
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