Timmersomethings Blog Of Random Stuff

The trouble with finding your perfect soul mate is that she would probably want to get married, then four weeks after the wedding you would meet another perfect soul mate, with bigger tits. An older couple decided to get married. She said: I want to keep my house. He said: That's fine with me. She said: I want to keep my Cadillac. He said: That's fine with me. She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week. He said: Put me down for Fridays. Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband. A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he...

"The city of Anchorage, Alaska, has voted down a bathroom bill that discriminates against transgendered people. Residents said, 'You know, it's so cold here in Alaska we can't tell what genitals you have anyway.'" -Conan O'Brien I was talking to a friend of mine, and he told me that he's been married a little over four years. He told me he was celebrating his 'Wooden' anniversary. I asked what a 'wooden' anniversary was. He said, "I asked her to give me a blow job and she wooden." "A former Playboy bunny just became the oldest lingerie model at 83 years old. When asked why she went back to work, she said, 'My Trump hush money ran out.'" -Jimmy Fallon The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. "What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email t...

*---- Quotes For The Day ----* Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. --Albert Einstein The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity. --Harlan Ellison Lord, what fools these mortals be! --William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream", Act 3 scene 2 **--- MYSTERY QUOTE ---** Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything. See at the bottom for the answer *---- More Quotes for the Week ----* To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered. --Voltaire There are more fools in the world than there are people. --Heinrich Heine Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. --Martin Luther King Jr., Strength to Love, 1963 MYSTERY QUOTE AND ANSWER - DID YOU GUESS CORRECTLY? Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything. ANSWER: Frank Dane

"A man has been sentenced to five years in jail for trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants. The man has already told his cellmate, 'There's nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven't.'" -Conan O'Brien A woman tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk explains that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'. Suddenly, the lady starts screaming! "Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!" The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager. The manager goes to the lady and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the lady starts yelling, Pinch My Nipples! Please, pinch My Nipples!" By now a crowd has gathered! In shock, the manager pleads, "Ma'am, why do you keep saying t...

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