Timmersomethings Blog Of Random Stuff

"Ireland will be opening its first nude beach this April. And in May, Ireland will be closing its first nude beach." -Conan O'Brien A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "What? Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun." "Today the Yankees had to postpone their home opener because of a snowstorm. You can tell it was cold because the foot-long hot dogs were only five inches." -Jimmy Fallon Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future." Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend." "That's true," said Paul. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren...

How do you get your husband interested in oral sex? Douche with beer. What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South? A homo-sex-y'all. What's the most active muscle in a woman? The penis. How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex? She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns. How do you get a woman off during sex? Push her. Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says. "I just love the way they bounce." The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass. I love the way it jiggles." He asks the third guy, "What about you?" "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head." [I know this is an old one, but this joke cracks me up...] A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man holding a 5-iron in his hands, standing over the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" ...

A man goes to a new doctor for a physical, and during the exam the doctor is amazed to discover the man has five penises. "I've never seen anything like this," exclaims the doctor. "How do your pants fit?" The man responds, "Like a glove." A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs, enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Y-e-s-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat." "An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids." -Craig Ferguson I was chatting to this girl in the pub last night and telling her of my uncanny ability to be able ...